LET’S TALK ABOUT THOSE B’S

Happy first week of December! I had to recheck my calendar to make sure I was writing the right month! Wowzers! It’s the week after Thanksgiving too.  How was Thanksgiving for all of you? Mine was busy, I ate a lot, and spent time with  extended family members.  Luckily, I already did my traveling the previous week so I didn’t have to travel, which was a win for me! 

I don’t know about all of you but I feel that right after Halloween, the weeks go by so quickly. Especially with daylight savings ending with the nights getting dark so early, the days and the weeks go by quickly, and before you know it, the holidays just creep up on us! 

To some of you and with other people, I know that with the recent elections, some people decided that they were not going to spend their holidays with family members who showed their true selves when they voted for hate, ignorance, fear, and their rights to have privilege while voting to deny others of theirs (if this statement offends you, my blog is not right for you). Due to this, some of you and others have decided to protect your energy from people who do not respect that all of us in this country deserve to have equality, safety, and rights as ALL Americans, not just a select few. 

I applaud anyone who has made this hard decision. As an elder millennial, I grew up during a time when we were supposed to not discuss politics, religion, money, and any other topics that were considered taboo. Regardless of our beliefs, we were supposed to respect and accept each other's view points.

Sadly, many things have changed since the early to mid 2000’s. It’s no longer just about people’s beliefs and viewpoints related to which cheese is the best, what toppings belong or don’t belong on pizza, and who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and Steven Segal. Sigh..if only those were the viewpoints and differences that people are currently debating about.  It was so innocent back then. 

The holidays are often viewed as an obligation for most of us. We feel that we have to tolerate the presence of our least liked relative, accept the emotional abuse and body shaming (often disguised as jokes) from the aunts and uncles, and the misogynistic and racist comments from some mediocre relative that has never left the country besides going to an all inclusive resort in Mexico (and stayed in the resort) and who starts spouting off and believing that they are an expert on the world. Oh, the AUDACITY. 

This year, people have decided that they will no longer waste their time and energy on situations and people that drain them and the holidays are especially important for them to protect their time and energy. 

When we think of currency, we think of money. Money buys us many things and the world revolves around money. However, there are some things that money can’t buy. Moving forward, your time, energy, and brain cells are your new currency, and the decision on how to spend your currency must be chosen wisely, especially around events and people that drain you. 

If anyone who is new to my blog, you may not know this about me and one of my favorite things to discuss, especially when it comes to forging your own path and owning it are…..BOUNDARIES! Yes. Boundaries are one of my favorite things to discuss and teach as they will always be challenged. Certain people and situations will challenge your boundaries; and manipulative people will try to make you forget that you had boundaries. 

When I work with clients who are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and burnt out, I usually assess several things in their lives and ask them questions about their well-being, how they’re taking care of themselves, why they’re not taking care of themselves, and what are the current barriers. 

More often than not, we figure out that they’re over extending themselves and the boundaries that they’ve initially established for themselves have given way to them compromising their boundaries to meet other people’s needs and expectations. The client realizes the situation that they are currently in and recognizes how they are actually in control of the situation/s. 

Let’s be real. The holidays are stressful, especially if you have a partner or spouse and you need to divide your time between your family and theirs; and it can be even more complex if you or your partner comes from a divorce family where each parent remarried and both sets of parents want you to visit them (reminds me of the movie Four Christmases where Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon had to visit each of their divorce parents’s home which was the equivalent to four christmases). 

If you’re still in contact with your family and decide that you will attend holiday events and gatherings, it’s important for you to establish your boundaries. If you have a partner or spouse, it’s also essential that the BOTH of you establish your boundaries as a couple so you have a unified plan when attending these gatherings. 

So, let’s get right down to these B’s on what you need to ask, prepare, before you start engaging in the holiday galore: 

• Identify What You Want: Think about what you value most during the holidays, is it family time, rest, travel or no travel? Identify what YOU want and establish the boundaries needed to help guide you on doing what is best for you during this time. 

• Acknowledge Your Limits: In the past, I would receive so many holiday invites that instead of being happy about the invites, I would dread them. Most of them would be a potluck (where I would have to cook)  then there would be a gift exchange (means more shopping ). There are only so many weekends in December that are available and when you have multiple invitations,  it can be overwhelming.  Before you accept all of these invitations, recognize and assess what drains you (e.g., large gatherings, certain conversations) and what energizes you. You can pick and choose from the invites based on your limits. 

• Decide What’s Non-Negotiable: Clarify which activities, people, or situations you will and WILL NOT engage with. Are there certain topics, people, or circumstances that you’re like “hell no” or “NEVER AGAIN” to? It’s okay to stick to your boundaries and reinforce them for your peace. 

• Create a Schedule:  Create a schedule of all the invitations and expectations of your schedule. Did you get invited to a party or event by someone who you haven’t seen in years? Do you truly need to attend their party if they haven’t kept in contact with you for several months or even years? Map out your holiday commitments to determine what is a necessity and what is a bypass so that you can leave room for rest and flexibility.

• Limit your Time:  Decide how long you’ll stay at gatherings and stick to it. It’s perfectly okay to leave early without guilt; you say,  “I have an early morning tomorrow or I/we have other plans.  Limiting your time and energy to certain activities and circumstances is perfectly okay. 

• Make Time for You: The holidays are about getting together with other people but if you’re not about that this holiday season, go ahead and prioritize yourself! If you’re feeling overwhelmed, off, and out of control, learn how to stay grounded. Use meditation, journaling, or mindfulness to stay calm and feel centered. Find time for you to BE and not DO. 

There you have it darlings!  I know that many of us grew up with family dynamics who viewed having boundaries as being selfish, inconsiderate, and greedy. We’ve been conditioned that focusing on ourselves, our well-being, and putting our needs ahead  is “lazy.” Many of us are learning to re-condition ourselves from generational wounds that have kept us from rebuilding our foundations to best care for ourselves. 

Establishing your boundaries during the holidays will allow you to enjoy the season on your terms by creating the space for the joy, connection, and rest that you deserve. 

So Darlings, always remember to have your B’S AND ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS ON YOUR TERMS AND BLOCK OUT ANY NEGATIVITY AND OTHER B’S THAT FU$% WITH YOUR PEACE. HAVE A RESTFUL AND PEACEFUL HOLIDAY! 🎊